Friday, May 8, 2009

Bulldog for sale only $0.50

Who wants him? Sure he may look cute and cuddly on the outside, but looks are deceiving my friends. Looks are deceiving. After you receive him, he'll spoil you with kisses which may be sweet at first, but 2 minutes later when he's still "kissing" you, you need to change clothes due to the copious amounts of slobber upon your body. You will probably need a shower. You'll give him a bath. You'll be amazed at the amount of dirt and grim that comes off of this dog as it swirls down the drain. You'll be pleased at how clean this dog has become. Later when you still smell his stink, you'll realize that you forgot to clean all the crevices of his face. So you'll begin to clean said wrinkles and crevices. While doing this you see the caked on matter living in crevices and begin to gag uncontrollably at the sight and smell. You'll begin to rethink decision to have said dog. You'll take him on a walk. Excited about your first walk together you strap on his new shiny leash and collar. You'll begin said walk. However, this dog ends up walking you as you struggle to maintain grip of him and fear of ending up face planting into the cement. ***later dog eats new shiny leash and collar. You'll buy him shiny new toys. He'll devour them in 3 minutes tops. You'll feed him scrumptious kibble. The rewards of which are smellier than thou gas and loads of poop to clean up in the backyard. You'll wonder, how much are we feeding him? You'll let him outside in the backyard to play. Then have to run a few errands. When you come home, you'll find him having chewed your new patio furniture. You'll be fuming as this material is hard to come by and replace. Now you'll begin to really really rethink that decision about a dog. He'll become Houdini and get out of the fence. So you'll walk out in the front yard and call his name, only to see him chasing down some poor innocent lady strolling her baby. And you'll have to run down the road chasing after him in your jammies and apologize to the lady. You'll explain that he is really sweet, he just looks intimidating. Meanwhile, she'll be cussing you under her breath. Why did you want that dog again? You'll buy a new shiny pool with a filter. It's perfect for wading/floating in with your little child during those hot hot summer days. You'll leave dog outside with said pool for 5 minutes, 5 MINUTES and the dog has destroyed it! Water is leaking from pool. The filter has been chewed. You'll go to the trouble of punishing the dog and are sure that he will not give in to his devilish ways anymore. You'll order the parts needed for pool to repair it. You'll patch all of the holes in pool and fill it back up. Exciting! The pool still holds water. 2 days go by. . . Dog still hasn't eaten pool. Maybe he has learned his lesson after all. You'll rejoice with your spouse as you begin to think about actually swimming in your pool. 10 minutes later, you'll go outside and see that dog has once again destroyed pool. Water is leaking out of pool. You'll punish the dog. You'll go buy new pool. Because now the dog is scared to go anywhere near pool. . . . . . . So who wants him? Anyone? Anyone? ::crickets chirping:: Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

2 comments:

  1. oh gosh. maybe Honey isn't so bad after all!

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  2. Wow!! Sounds tempting... better not!!

    ReplyDelete